By Tom Skiens
Thank you Senator, I am honored to address your committee. I would like to open by saying my father, Pork, and my mother Barrel, are sorry to have destroyed thousands of lives. They accept the judgment of the courts for their part in the Ponzi scheme. My parents are repaying their debt to society under conditions which are both harsh and unfamiliar. They have been forced to move into a 23 bedroom mansion on the shores of lake Erie. A restricted budget has compelled them to cut the permanent staff from 11 to 10. They will no longer be able to afford the 56 illegal alien grounds workers they would generally herd into the back of a sixteen wheeler cattle truck for transport to their 14,000 acre estate. This year they must hire American citizens and deal with all the labor and tax issues. My parents feel that they have paid their debt to society. What more would you ask of them?
That concludes the statement from my parents. I would now like to address the committee on more personal matters.
My name is Harold, I am the oldest of the three little pigs. To my left is my youngest brother Piggly. Piggly is a two sport athlete at his kindergarten, Huffnpuff. He excels in grab ass and spitballs. Seated on my right is Wiggly. Wiggly excels at odors. This is not the name of his school but rather the condition of his body. Wiggly has not taken a bath in, well, he has never taken a bath. He often rolls in the mud and would rather eat a rotten carcass than a fudge sunday. He has been known to sleep with his food for weeks on end. We are here today to set the record straight about our alledged involvement in the Ponzi scheme.
In 2001 we received a subprime loan from a spinoff of the subsidery to my parents financial lending institution, Bucks-R-Us. Shortly thereafter, Wolf Mann, a represenative and employee of the Fema conglometate, declared our property untennable due to wind damage to the straw walls which had occured six years befor the loan was issued. We were forced to move but, in Wolf Mann's defence, I will say that he arranged temperary housing in a like new trailer, for a small service fee in cash. The trailer had only one minor drawback in that there was a persistant odor eminating from the walls. My brother Wiggly never did smell anything.
My two brothers and myself were unemployed and living off the credit cards which seemed to arrive at the mailbox when we most needed food, clothing and a trip to Paris. At the point where we felt the most desperate our parents arranged a subprime minus loan from a independent spinoff of the subsidery to my parents financial institution. The terms of the loan were very agreeable. We made the down payment with the credit cards which boosted our credit rating by 40 points. At the time I was occupied playing the Mario Brothers video game while my two brothers were attending school.
Once again, Wolf Mann determined that our frame built wooden house had substained water damage during the hurricane season of 2004. We questioned Mr. Mann's judgement and pointed out that the damage was caused by wind and not water. Mr. Mann became irritated and condemned our property plus the three adjoining lots. He then invalidated our insurance, took possession of our Visa card, cancelled our subscription to Home and Garden magazine and moved our shelter, the toxic trailer, to a walmart parking lot on the other side of town. When he reported these events to our parents they laughed and gave him a bonus because his actions had earned them another $6,000.00.
Not being the kind of pigs to give up on our dream house we started over. This time we determined to build a house of brick. We reasoned that brick could withstand both wind and wind. We still didn't believe our last house had water damage. Our credit card debt, plus the greed of our parents and their employees made getting a home loan next to impossible. We appear here today in front of this committee to plead for understanding and a quick fix handout like the one you gave the Banks and Freddy's Fannie. We promise to spend the money and not use it to pay down our debt. We will buy American products even if we have to go to China to get them. Thank you for your time and can you tell me where I can pick up the check.